November 10, 2003

Avoid Guilt Trips, Plan Ahead, Allow Children To Stay In Touch

Genesis Behavioral Health Experts Offer A Holiday Help Guide For Stepfamilies

Davenport, IA - Around the holidays, stepfamily life can become particularly stressful, especially for children who'll spend time at more than one household.

Besides dealing with the guilt of having to leave one parent behind, they're often thrust into a new environment with unfamiliar family members and a new routine, only to have to go home again soon. "None of us like change that much, and big changes during the holidays can be particularly difficult to cope with for everyone involved," says Sue Alexander, a Licensed Mental Health Counselor at Psychology Associates, a division of Genesis Behavioral Resources.

Still, there are ways to make stepfamily holidays happier and easier for children, custodial parents and noncustodial parents alike.

Here are tips for custodial parents:

• Avoid guilt trips
  When sending children to spend the holidays with their other parent, encourage them to have a good time and let them know what you'll be doing while they're away. To avoid putting a damper on their fun, send the message they shouldn't feel guilty about leaving you alone.
• Plan ahead
  Although children often look forward to visiting their noncustodial parent, it can be stressful. "To alleviate their anxiety, you may try to coordinate with your former spouse on the logistics of the trip, such as transportation issues and what his or her holiday plans are," says Alexander. Also, to help children be prepared, find out if they'll need any special gear or clothing.
• Avoid one-upmanship
  Share information with the other parent about the children's changes or new idiosyncrasies, such as the fact they grew 3 inches or they no longer like the crust on their peanut-butter sandwiches. "Don't withhold information to prove you know more about that child," says Alexander. "All you'll hurt is the child."
• Coordinate gift-giving
  Exchange the children's wish list with the other parent so you both can decide who'll give what. To make children feel special, share color preferences, size and brand names, if relevant. Also, coordinate gift-giving with grandparents, aunts and uncles, if possible.
• Check it off
  Create a checklist of the items being packed to ensure nothing gets lost in the shuffle. Besides clothing, the checklist should include medical information and your doctor's phone number in case prescriptions need to be refilled and/or medication gets lost or left behind.

Here are tips for noncustodial parents:

• Send your kids an information packet
  This can include a road atlas of your area and brochures about places of interest and things to do. By doing so, you'll enhance their sense of security and help the custodial parent know the kids will have a good time. If you'll be traveling with your children, be aware many airlines now require a notarized consent-to-travel letter signed by both parents.
• Allow kids to stay connected
  If the visit is going to last more than a few days, establish a schedule for the kids to communicate with the absent parent.
• Allow for quiet time
  When your children arrive, let the departure household know they've arrived safely. Then, help your children unpack. "You need to have already identified a room, a drawer, a closet, and their towels, so the children can start feeling a sense of belonging," says Alexander.

After unpacking, have an arrival-day ritual that communicates belonging, such as popcorn and a video rental. An activity in which everybody's together but not actually having to interact will help children get their bearings. Save that and a review of household rules and expectations for day two.

"Many of these issues aren't unique to stepfamilies. But since you've got more people involved, the logistics are more complicated," says Alexander. "Advance planning solves a lot of problems."

For more information about handling the holidays, visit the Genesis Health System Web site at www.genesishealth.com or for counseling services offered by Psychology Associates, Ltd, call 563-355-2577.

Genesis Health System is a full service organization, offering a continuum of care including preventive, primary, acute and tertiary hospital care; home health and nursing home care; rehabilitation and long-term care. It includes Genesis Medical Center, Illini Hospital, DeWitt Community Hospital, Genesis Health Group, Genesis Medical Education Foundation, GenVentures Inc., Genesis Occupational Health, Genesis Behavioral Resources and Genesis Visiting Nurse Association.